A Lonely Wind Blows Tonight

It’s been months since my last post. No point in rehashing months, so I’ll start with the today and now.

There’s no reason why today should feel more lonely than any other day, why the warm Chinook wind blowing down the street outside my window should make me feel more hollow than I’ve ever felt in my life. It seems impossible that not too long ago I enjoyed being home alone. Whenever my mom came home she’d always find something she needed me to be doing, but when she was gone I could play video games, or just relax and enjoy the sound of the wind.

But right now the sound of the wind is only making me feel empty inside. It’s Jane’s fault, her and her stupid large family, with aunts and uncles and grandparents and an army of kids. Even Xena’s little rat-dog presence at my feet doesn’t put a dent in my loneliness. I can’t stand it anymore.

“Xena.” I call, grabbing the leash hanging on the coat hook. Xena’s ears perk up but she doesn’t move from her position on the floor. Lazy dog.

“Xena!” I call again, gathering up my cell phone and earphones. Xena sets her tiny head down between her front paws. I walked her today already, but aren’t dogs supposed to LOVE going for walks? I grab my coat and shove my feet into my runners.

“Stay here then.” I mumble, opening the front door. Xena trots over and sits down beside me, staring up at me with her big ugly Chiuaua eyes. Apparently the threat of being left home alone is a greater evil for her than taking another walk. To her credit Xena has some kind of hip problem that acts up when the weather is bad, when it rains or snows or the wind blows, or there’s a full moon, I don’t know, I’m not old enough to understand hip problems. I attach Xena’s leash to her collar but pick her up in my arms anyway, adjusting her under one arm like a spoiled diva in a high school teen movie for rich L.A. girls. I press play on my phone and slip it into my pocket. Tonight Xena is walking me.

I step out into the wind and Xena shivers. It isn’t cold, Xena is just a drama queen. My mind keeps going back to the night Jane’s family was having that big family reunion and we played “Village” and all the kids thought I was the greatest thing that ever happened to them. They’re all gone now, not dead gone, like in a tragic house fire or something, but just gone home to their busy, lively homes with shouting and laughing and whatever happens in homes that aren’t lonely.

I look into the windows of the houses on my street. It’s still too early for anyone to be asleep for the night, yet most of the lights are off. I imagine they’re not home because they’re off with friends to see a movie, attend a girly sleep over or a fun video game night. What do guys do on a ‘guy’s night out’ anyway?

I shuffle through the songs on my phone but none of them seem appropriate for my lonely mood so I just stop the music and pull out my earphones letting the wind sing the perfect song of melancholy.

I hadn’t planned to go to Jane’s house and probably wouldn’t have even noticed I was passing by if Hasselhoff Huskey hadn’t barked, scaring Xena stiff in my arms.

I look up at Jane’s house which is dark like the rest of the street, except for a light farther in, like someone has left a bathroom light on. I stop, to Xena’s dismay, and stand in front of Jane’s house, letting Hasselhoff Huskey’s deep barks cut through the sad sounds of the wind in the trees.

Suddenly the front door swings open, startling an swear out of my mouth, which fortunately gets snatched away on the rush of an oncoming wind.

Jane looks different tonight. Her hair messy and eyes watery. No one else comes to the door as I would expect, her dad coming to yell at me for just standing there and provoking the dog, her mom inviting me in for cookies with her thick accent, or Jane’s little sister exclaiming, “You came to play Barbies!” They don’t come, it’s just Jane, standing in bare feet on the front step, in jeans and a goodie.

She doesn’t ask me why I’m just standing here or why I came, she just breathes. I recognize that breathing, it’s the kind you do after a good cry. Hasselhoff Husky has stopped barking and Xena has stopped shaking. The wind has taken a moment’s pause and all that is left is Jane’s breathing and my desperation for human contact.

“Can I come in?” I ask. Jane doesn’t say anything but simply steps aside. I climb up the stairs, Xena in hand, my heart pounding wildly. If she realizes how badly I need her right now I’ll lose her forever. She’ll stop talking to me, shut her blinds and unleash HasselHoff to bite Xena when we walk by. That’s how it always is with the opposite sex. You can’t let them know how much you need them, it only scares them away.

I stand awkwardly at the door a moment, then go inside and set Xena down. She starts shaking again, her legs getting knock kneed as she takes in the unfamiliar surroundings and smells. She looks up at me with pleading eyes.

“Go on.” I say, shoving her in further with my foot so Jane and I can have room to go in. I hear the door close behind me and turn to face Jane. Suddenly her arms are around me and she is crying. I’m too stunned to move. I should hug her back, but I’m frozen in place.

Jane lets go.

“Sorry,” she says, looking as uncomfortable as I usually feel in these types of circumstances. But for once I’m not the one feeling out of place and awkward. I smile to reassure her, then pull her back into a hug.

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11:55 PM

Feeling down. Can’t sleep. Was so tired earlier that every mouse click by Daughter playing on computer was waking me up while I was laying on the couch (which means I was falling asleep repeatedly every half a second). Now I’m awake and noticing all the posts about New Year’s Resolutions and “looking back” on the highlights of 2013, etc.

For me, same thing happens EVERY New Year’s Eve.

I want desperately to go out and do something posh, while dressed brilliant and ringing in the New Year looking my best, with people I WANT to hang out with (or even people I don’t know as long as they look posh too and notice me)

Actuality: End up walking around Family Festival, tired and alone in a building full of people. Come home exhausted, put child to bed, fall asleep before midnight, OR stay up late trying to find a live online stream of New Year’s countdown until after midnight and miss the whole thing. Husband wanders home sometime after midnight as he is always doing something work related on New Year’s Eve.

Every year I want it to be different and every year it’s the same. It’s the ‘stroller’ syndrome. This feeling that I’m endlessly pushing around a stroller (although my daughter no longer needs a stroller, it’s still the same feeling). I have more friends this year since I joined a writers group, but none of them will spend New Year’s Eve with me.

Did my best not to message MSA Friend (Most Sought After Friend) since the ball is in his court to reply. Stroller Syndrome feeling was so heavy on me I broke down and sent a dot (.) Not sure how ‘dot’ will be percieved. Possibly as a pocket dial.

I guess I will explain MSA Friend until I get tired enough to go back to sleep. Every two or three years I find a person that I absolutely must be friends with or I will die. I message far too much even when I try my best to hold back… and well I deleted the rest of this post which was far too long and emo, but I’m tired now so accomplished that much,

off to bed

(goodnight MSA Friend…)

I don’t ever want to grow up

My mom is asleep when I get home. She called me around midnight on my cell phone while I was at the party at Jane’s house and I convinced her that I was safe, just down the street, and there was nothing to worry about, so she let me stay. I’m not sure what time it is now but I think its almost 2 am. I can’t believe those kids stayed up so late, especially the toddler.

My house is like a tomb as I walk through the living room area where my mom is asleep on the couch. I guess she was trying to wait up for me. Just earlier this evening I was envious of how she was out for a late night movie with her friends and I had no friends. Now I feel bad for her. I’m all she’s got really, I’m the one she comes home to and tells about her day. I’m actually proud of her for not hooking up with another guy as soon as dad left. She’s been doing the best she can keeping in touch with friends, its not easy at her age, parents are always too busy for fun.

I don’t think I ever want to grow up. I just want to play and not worry about working a job I hate, paying bills I can’t afford and facing a divorce of my own. I have a 50% chance of getting a divorce if I get married. The thought is depressing. The house feels too lonely, far too quiet. Then I realize why. I forgot Xena in Jane’s bedroom!

Last Night – Part One (on the outside looking in)

I’m walking down my street, the sun is setting, the flowers and grass breathe out their lovely scent. Xena is stopping to smell some other dog’s poop. My plan is to do a long walk tonight because its finally starting to make a difference, I’m lighter and less lazy than when I started this daily walking so I want to push myself a little tonight, to help set free the skinny me.

I realize that I’m in front of Jane’s house, usually I go the other direction. The poop on the grass is probably HasselHoff Huskey’s poop. Jane’s house is lively with activity tonight. There are a lot of rowdy adult voices resonating from within, speaking in a fast European-style dialect (the kind where people yell their words rather than say them). I suppose they have to yell to be heard over the folk music, which is playing much too loudly. Cars are parked and double parked on the driveway, right up to the sidewalk so I can’t walk with Xena but have to swerve out onto the road around a large van.

Something about the sounds of joyful merriment make the rest of the street look lonely and abandoned. Jane’s house stands like a shelter in the woods and I’m on the outside, alone in a dark forest of gloomy houses. I pick Xena up into my arms and stand there a while, trying to imagine what the party inside is like. I imagine a medieval Viking reunion, or a Lord of the Rings Dwarf celebration. I look at my cheap, LOTR ring on my finger, the one I bought at a garage sale a while back. It’s been doing a great job keeping me invisible. Suddenly I don’t feel like going for the long walk I had set out for, because I’m too tired. The dark street stretches out before me and behind me in the shadows sits my empty house, tall and brooding. My mom is out at a late movie tonight with friends (even she has friends). All I have is Xena, my mom’s ugly rat dog. Its been me and Xena all summer so far. But maybe that could change…

I had a Dream about Justin Bieber…

I  can’t control what I dream about okay!
I fell asleep in class today (again) and I had a dream about Justin Bieber, yes… I did. I apologize, but I was compelled to share this with you. Continue reading

I Went To Confession Today

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I took some photos with my phone of the frost we had today. And I finally got a few groceries! Just cheese, bread and eggs, some chips for school and apples and pasta (which makes a great meal if you melt cheese on top!)

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So I did it… I went to confession today. There weren’t many people in the church when I got there, but it still took a REALLY long time for it to be my turn, because I decided I would wait to go last. The longer I waited the more nervous I got. It felt like I was waiting to go up in front of my class to do a presentation… about my sins! Continue reading

A Note In My Locker

I had to go to school today, even though I didn’t want to, cuz we had an assignment due and my mom would never sign a sick note for me. She always thinks I’m faking even when I am really am sick!

I only have one class with Morgan on Fridays and its math. He sits in the front and I sit in the back.

At the beginning of class Lindsay went up to his desk and started talking with him. My stomach got twisted seeing her flirt shamelessly, but I couldn’t look away. He kept his eyes down and just nodded. Lindsay didn’t mind that he wasn’t saying much, she just kept talking and laughing. Then when he did say something she laughed REALLY loud. The sound pierced my ears and gave me an instant headache. Morgan probably didn’t even say anything funny, she just laughed to make him feel good. And he smiled. And the bell rang. Continue reading