New Year’s Eve and Post Christmas Clutter Blues

clutterpic

11:23 AM

Still in PJ’s and feeling like a slob. So hard to do anything during the holidays when child has no school. But to be fair I could have worked on my novel or something during the time I spent on the computer this morning blogging then photoshopping myself into (and partially behind in the most believable manner) a photo alongside my favourite actor / comedian Mark Little.

Anyway must go do laundry.

11:29 AM

The clutter of Christmas is depressing, especially with no one around to help. It seems to emphasize the clutter in my brain and my scattered, unorganized hopes and dreams, unfocussed goals, unscheduled daily living. Have decided it best not to officially start the New Year until Daughter is back at school. If I try to start on my goals now I will be unsuccessful and it will depress me further.

11:40 PM

Didn’t go party for New Year’s. Didn’t even get away from the Family Festival long enough to do anything else but work the entire evening there and come home with a big headache. There was a mass of people, lots of stress, huge line-ups, unhappy mothers. Stayed for the whole event then helped pack up after. Daughter was left neglected on a chair the whole four hours, then was brought home and had some sort of panic attack, she couldn’t breathe. She’s still awake actually and says that if she lays down she can’t breathe. Husband is with her now. He said thanks for the help today.

He has no idea how important New Year’s is to me. Last year I swore that no matter WHAT I would go out and enjoy myself this year, have a fun filled evening. But I didn’t and it doesn’t matter if I go out tomorrow or any other day. It’s tonight that is important to me, tonight that is special and magical. It’s so depressing. Husband’s business always, always wrecks special occassions, like Canada Day. He’s always busy, always busy, always busy on the days that are important to me.

12:05

Happy New Year’s everyone.
I’m off to bed

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8:45 AM

Still have no cereal so resorted to eating fat laden waffles covered in peanut butter and syrup.

Tomorrow I will do everything perfect (like eat low-fat cereal and work on my writing) because the first day of the New Year is a reflection of your upcoming year, right? You’re supposed to have money in your pocket and dress up and start on your novel, etc. Hopefully today isn’t the day that reflects your upcoming year…

Just want to return to my dream that I got woken up too early from. I think that after the rush of Christmas I shut down. Everything feels difficult, even simple things like putting in the laundry, as though all the extra work on top of regular work of the Christmas Season has burnt me out and it’s a push to just get out of pajamas in the morning. Wonder if anyone else feels this way. Not those who have a job (outside the home) I assume.

Must carry on.

If only I had something to look forward to this evening, that would help. Daughter still sleeping. Blogging has become an instant obsession despite attempts to keep it in moderation. This is a good time to add more New Year’s Resolutions to the list:

-Not be obsessed with blogging

-Find a part time job

-schedule my time to be more productive in my writing (non-blog writing)

7:38 AM

New Year’s Eve Day dawns (actually it’s still dark out)

Thinking of throwing in the towel with this blogging thing. It’s totally fun but quite possibly a total waste of time, especially the sharing of inner thoughts honestly and openly. That is where I differ from the rest of the people I know, who are mysteries, and so I assume my openness is my weakness that keeps me from being a Most Sought After Friend to anyone.

New Year’s Resolutions:

-Not be open and honest

-Not feel the need to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth ALL THE TIME

-Become like Sarah from the TV show Chuck

-Talk less

-Fulfill my writing goals

-Become a New York Times Bestselling Author

-Let go of MSA Friend

-Find out what is missing in my life

-Save money for LA Screenwriting conference

And I’m sure there will be more resolutions as the day unfolds. I’m going to add one more:

-Make the most New Year’s Resolutions I’ve ever made for one year.

 Cat in front of Computer monitor so can’t type anymore.

I’m back. Blasted cat stepped on sleep button and shut down my comp. Dreams of the night still fresh in my mind, throwing off sense of reality, will forget them and go into Stroller Syndrome mode soon enough. Husband is getting ready to leave. Wonder if Daughter will want to do something other than the Family Festival today, something posh and involving bubbling champaine (like the non-alcoholic kind). Probably not. Probably end up at Family Fest, pushing proverbial stroller. 

one more NY resolution:

-don’t edit blog posts, just hit publish

11:55 PM

Feeling down. Can’t sleep. Was so tired earlier that every mouse click by Daughter playing on computer was waking me up while I was laying on the couch (which means I was falling asleep repeatedly every half a second). Now I’m awake and noticing all the posts about New Year’s Resolutions and “looking back” on the highlights of 2013, etc.

For me, same thing happens EVERY New Year’s Eve.

I want desperately to go out and do something posh, while dressed brilliant and ringing in the New Year looking my best, with people I WANT to hang out with (or even people I don’t know as long as they look posh too and notice me)

Actuality: End up walking around Family Festival, tired and alone in a building full of people. Come home exhausted, put child to bed, fall asleep before midnight, OR stay up late trying to find a live online stream of New Year’s countdown until after midnight and miss the whole thing. Husband wanders home sometime after midnight as he is always doing something work related on New Year’s Eve.

Every year I want it to be different and every year it’s the same. It’s the ‘stroller’ syndrome. This feeling that I’m endlessly pushing around a stroller (although my daughter no longer needs a stroller, it’s still the same feeling). I have more friends this year since I joined a writers group, but none of them will spend New Year’s Eve with me.

Did my best not to message MSA Friend (Most Sought After Friend) since the ball is in his court to reply. Stroller Syndrome feeling was so heavy on me I broke down and sent a dot (.) Not sure how ‘dot’ will be percieved. Possibly as a pocket dial.

I guess I will explain MSA Friend until I get tired enough to go back to sleep. Every two or three years I find a person that I absolutely must be friends with or I will die. I message far too much even when I try my best to hold back… and well I deleted the rest of this post which was far too long and emo, but I’m tired now so accomplished that much,

off to bed

(goodnight MSA Friend…)

Sunday’s Journal Entries Part 3

10:30 AM

Written far too much in this diary log and it’s not even noon yet! Must not make this diary writing a new obsession like I do with most anything I start.

12:40 PM

Playing acrobats with daughter (using Barbies not ourselves)

Haven’t walked dog yet or showered. All I want to do is listen to boy band music and lay in bed, looking at the boyband posters on daughter’s wall and imagining running into these fine young British men at a sandwich shop, then we’d instantly become best of friends. Five fun, young and energetic guy friends to joke with all day and just do silly things like running on a beach in slow motion, fashionable guys who dress brilliant (aren’t afraid to wear white pants or red pants) and are famously cute. Yes, right, I’m supposed to be playing Barbies.

2:15 PM

Walked the dog!
Now my sinuses hurt. I forgot that in the middle of the night my sinuses and chest hurt and I was having trouble breathing. Suppose if I’d remembered that I wouldn’t have walked the dog so far. But worked off the egg and bacon from breakfast (I imagine), although I just ate 3 more M&M chocolate almonds to give me enough energy to take a shower.

Husband bringing home playdate for child this afternoon! After shower will go to a coffee shop 😀 (to avoid playdate)

3:26

At coffee shop 😀
Ordered healthy sandwich and soup. All showered now and prepared for any emergency swimming sessions, should any arrise (shaved my legs). Was thinking to put my diary onto my blog. Instantly got overwhelmed with how much work it’s going to be. But now that I thought it I must do it!

Would it be dangerous to blog all my real life and real thoughts? Will someone create an elaborate flow chart (covering an entire wall in their hotel room in which they live) of my life, where I am and when and with whom? What type of body wash I use, etc? Then plan a complicated stalking plot, of computer-science caliber, that will inspire a thriller movie in the future after my tormented death?

Why can’t I just simply enjoy this Bridget Jones novel I’m reading and NOT want to create something similar myself? (this is my first time reading a Bridget Jones novel)

Why are they still playing Christmas music in this coffee shop?

4:47 PM

Migrated from one coffee shop to another, partly because of Christmas music thing and partly because I didn’t want to overstay my welcome at first coffee shop. Am now at Starbucks where reading-loitering is more acceptable. Got a mocha and a cake-pop. Have no idea what the saturated fat content is of said items and therefore can consume them without fear (or with less fear) of a heart attack. At least I managed to avoid the Nutella jar today 😀

7:24 PM

Just got back from Mass (church). Was thinking, the entire time, about how I wish I had somwhere fancy to go and someone to go with for New Year’s Eve. Realized I wasn’t paying attention or praying and am a selfish, unspiritual heathen. Didn’t take communion (bread), had to cross arms in an act of rejection due to past heathenism which is still uncleansed by a confession session. Priest patted me on the shoulder, he knows…. Wish we could skip the whole confessional thing and I could just get a nod of “oh-u-did-that-again-ok-u-r-forgiven” as I’m coming up the line, then we can get on with it.

New Resolutions (for now): write less in diary log, post daily so as not to be thousands of words behind and spend all morning posting. Stop eating Nutella for a week at least.

Sunday’s Journal Entries Continued…

9:00 AM (Sunday)

Not sure what to eat for breakfast. Husband forgot to pick up Cereal for me on his late-night grocery run, so now options are: toast (which is like eating air) or waffles (which I’ve had everyday for weeks and are unhealthy) with Nutella (which I’ve been devouring by the jar), or eggs and bacon (bad for cholesterol)

Note to self: must stop eating Nutella with breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I haven’t been getting any exercise (too snowy and cold to walk dog *cough-excuses-cough*), and I’ve been eating a lot of chocolates, given (cruely) as Christmas gifts by so-called ‘friends’, and cookies too. I’m supposed to be very careful with my cholesterol (even though I’m a young 30-something)… which makes me think of my grandma (the cholesterol, not my age). I should call her or visit her. Maybe as a New Year’s thing.

Want to go out New Year’s Eve, but there’s nowhere to go, no events that would require dressing up. Husband will be setting up merchandising tent at a New Years family festival event which I do not feel like helping out with, although I probably should if I were a model wife, and will have to keep track of daughter at the same time at said event. A far cry from the elagant wine and cheese non-existant New Year’s Eve cocktail party I’d rather be attending.

9:09 AM

So hungry. Scared if I eat even one spoonful of Nutella today I’ll die by night fall. Waffles also have saturated fat, so do eggs. Toast will make me more hungry than before I ate said toast (inadvertently kicking hunger into full swing for the day), resulting in me stuffing an oreo with Nutella, Peanut butter and icing, then devouring four of these creations, because there is no package label warning me how much saturated fat this combination has.
Food options: 0

9:11 AM

Daughter is singing to herself in bed. Should go say hi. Then make her something fat laden for breakfast (she’s as this as a rail, with shoulder bones sticking out so far you’d think she was growing wings). Eggs and bacon and heavily buttered toast for her this morning!

9:26 AM

Had chat with daughter about how her teacher obviously is unqualified to teach language arts. Tried to explain proper novel writing. Still haven’t eaten. Daughter is on computer now typing away on her novel (she is 8 years old) while Husband is still tapping away on his ipad on couch. They will loiter around like this until I make them breakfast.

9:37 AM

Had an M&M chocolate almond. Making bacon now while reading Bridget Jones and putting away yesterday’s Boxing Week Sale shopping spree items, thrown onto kitchen table by Husband yesterday as his way of putting things away. (is putting stuff away also akin to ‘picking up sticks’ on a Sabbath? Must not think of it)

Let dog out and realized it is warmer outside, meaning I can walk dog today (work or leisure?) also meaning I can eat bacon with breakfast! (turkey bacon of course). And maybe even an egg! Oh and French Fries too!

Hopefully my exercise to what-I-can-eat ratio isn’t too far off in my calculations.

10:20 AM

Make breakfast for three, ate: 1 egg, 2 toast, 3 bacon, handful of fries, orange juice and 2 M&M chocolate Almonds.

Husband has transitioned from ipad tapping to Man-Movie watching on couch while eating the breakfast I made him.

I must shower today.

Letters in Mailboxes

I got a letter in my mailbox, not from Amy unfortunately. It was written on pink paper, with large crayon letters saying:

This is Meagan, please come over to play with because my sister is boring and she never plays Barbies with me, lol

She actually wrote ‘lol’ in the letter. It was from Jane’s little sister. And there you have it.

I didn’t go over to play today. I’m not in the mood for fun because Amy never replied to my letter. She’s obviously not going to call. I really wish I hadn’t left the letter in her mailbox. In hindsight I can see how embarrassing it all is. Fortunately Amy has no idea who I am, because reverse cell-phone # look-ups don’t ever give you a person’s ‘name’, I tried.

Tonight I’m going to walk Xena far and get some exercise, but not in the direction of Amy’s house.

-Peace