A Lonely Wind Blows Tonight

It’s been months since my last post. No point in rehashing months, so I’ll start with the today and now.

There’s no reason why today should feel more lonely than any other day, why the warm Chinook wind blowing down the street outside my window should make me feel more hollow than I’ve ever felt in my life. It seems impossible that not too long ago I enjoyed being home alone. Whenever my mom came home she’d always find something she needed me to be doing, but when she was gone I could play video games, or just relax and enjoy the sound of the wind.

But right now the sound of the wind is only making me feel empty inside. It’s Jane’s fault, her and her stupid large family, with aunts and uncles and grandparents and an army of kids. Even Xena’s little rat-dog presence at my feet doesn’t put a dent in my loneliness. I can’t stand it anymore.

“Xena.” I call, grabbing the leash hanging on the coat hook. Xena’s ears perk up but she doesn’t move from her position on the floor. Lazy dog.

“Xena!” I call again, gathering up my cell phone and earphones. Xena sets her tiny head down between her front paws. I walked her today already, but aren’t dogs supposed to LOVE going for walks? I grab my coat and shove my feet into my runners.

“Stay here then.” I mumble, opening the front door. Xena trots over and sits down beside me, staring up at me with her big ugly Chiuaua eyes. Apparently the threat of being left home alone is a greater evil for her than taking another walk. To her credit Xena has some kind of hip problem that acts up when the weather is bad, when it rains or snows or the wind blows, or there’s a full moon, I don’t know, I’m not old enough to understand hip problems. I attach Xena’s leash to her collar but pick her up in my arms anyway, adjusting her under one arm like a spoiled diva in a high school teen movie for rich L.A. girls. I press play on my phone and slip it into my pocket. Tonight Xena is walking me.

I step out into the wind and Xena shivers. It isn’t cold, Xena is just a drama queen. My mind keeps going back to the night Jane’s family was having that big family reunion and we played “Village” and all the kids thought I was the greatest thing that ever happened to them. They’re all gone now, not dead gone, like in a tragic house fire or something, but just gone home to their busy, lively homes with shouting and laughing and whatever happens in homes that aren’t lonely.

I look into the windows of the houses on my street. It’s still too early for anyone to be asleep for the night, yet most of the lights are off. I imagine they’re not home because they’re off with friends to see a movie, attend a girly sleep over or a fun video game night. What do guys do on a ‘guy’s night out’ anyway?

I shuffle through the songs on my phone but none of them seem appropriate for my lonely mood so I just stop the music and pull out my earphones letting the wind sing the perfect song of melancholy.

I hadn’t planned to go to Jane’s house and probably wouldn’t have even noticed I was passing by if Hasselhoff Huskey hadn’t barked, scaring Xena stiff in my arms.

I look up at Jane’s house which is dark like the rest of the street, except for a light farther in, like someone has left a bathroom light on. I stop, to Xena’s dismay, and stand in front of Jane’s house, letting Hasselhoff Huskey’s deep barks cut through the sad sounds of the wind in the trees.

Suddenly the front door swings open, startling an swear out of my mouth, which fortunately gets snatched away on the rush of an oncoming wind.

Jane looks different tonight. Her hair messy and eyes watery. No one else comes to the door as I would expect, her dad coming to yell at me for just standing there and provoking the dog, her mom inviting me in for cookies with her thick accent, or Jane’s little sister exclaiming, “You came to play Barbies!” They don’t come, it’s just Jane, standing in bare feet on the front step, in jeans and a goodie.

She doesn’t ask me why I’m just standing here or why I came, she just breathes. I recognize that breathing, it’s the kind you do after a good cry. Hasselhoff Husky has stopped barking and Xena has stopped shaking. The wind has taken a moment’s pause and all that is left is Jane’s breathing and my desperation for human contact.

“Can I come in?” I ask. Jane doesn’t say anything but simply steps aside. I climb up the stairs, Xena in hand, my heart pounding wildly. If she realizes how badly I need her right now I’ll lose her forever. She’ll stop talking to me, shut her blinds and unleash HasselHoff to bite Xena when we walk by. That’s how it always is with the opposite sex. You can’t let them know how much you need them, it only scares them away.

I stand awkwardly at the door a moment, then go inside and set Xena down. She starts shaking again, her legs getting knock kneed as she takes in the unfamiliar surroundings and smells. She looks up at me with pleading eyes.

“Go on.” I say, shoving her in further with my foot so Jane and I can have room to go in. I hear the door close behind me and turn to face Jane. Suddenly her arms are around me and she is crying. I’m too stunned to move. I should hug her back, but I’m frozen in place.

Jane lets go.

“Sorry,” she says, looking as uncomfortable as I usually feel in these types of circumstances. But for once I’m not the one feeling out of place and awkward. I smile to reassure her, then pull her back into a hug.

Mondays Confessions of a Stay-At-Home-Mom

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11:10 AM

Had to start a new journal as other one has dropped off the face of the Earth, already.

Spent all morning posting yesterday’s journal entries to blog, then looking through facebook updates. Must make lunch and plan a playdate for child so I can go to hair appointment.

11:40 AM

My life consists entirely of cleaning, laundry, dishes and preparing food.

Saw facebook update of favourite Most Sought After friend (let’s call him MSA Friend), he is going somehwere fun for New Year’s Eve… someplace I’ve never heard of but must be fun if he is going).

Phone ringing….

Playdate called back! All set. Can visit hairdresser (more accurately student of Hair School) in peace. Must not let student style my hair seeing as tomorrow is New Year’s Eve and, although I have no party plans, the hopeless Romantic in me still imagines a small chance that I will be whisked away (by MSA Friend) on some fun New Year’s Eve Pary Adventure at the last minute, while child is left in the capable hands of someone I trust and who does not want to do anything on New Year’s Eve, someone who can put child to bed properly, all the while Husband will be making lots of money at the Family Festival with no help needed from me, as I will be absent anyway due to whisking away incident.

Yes. Right. And so you see the need to have my hair done properly tomorrow (I can’t wash it for 48 hours after dying it today).

Right, where was I? Yes, my life consists entirely of cleaning, laundry, dishes and preparing meals… and I suppose I can add ‘unrealistic daydreaming’ and ‘incessant diary logging’ to the list now.

11:50 AM

Haven’t finished dishes, haven’t fed child or myself, still in PJ’s and must visit bank and have child dropped off at playdate appartment building by 12:30PM!

12:06 PM

“I am the greatest mom that ever lived. I was born to give and give and give.”

Just finished making lunch. Now must get my ‘winged’ child to eat it. Running late.

12:23 PM

Child won’t eat!

Finished off my spaghetti and cheese, currently dipping chocolate covered granola bar into large jar of peanut butter while child is crying for some unfathomable reason (probably because doesn’t want to eat) all the while the hair appointment is fast approaching. I am not the greatest mom that ever lived.

1:58 PM

At hair appointment. Was 10 minutes late. Got a call on cell while driving and answered phone stating angrily “I’m driving!” and “I’m trying to get there as fast as I can!” HairSchool secretary was thrown off by my complete direguard of acceptable customer social etiquette. Currently sitting in chair waiting for black hair dye to eat through my scalp.

Have had no contact with MSA Friend in days… let’s see, since Dec. 26 11:04 AM according to my phone. It must be inaccurate because it seems like at least a week. Scalp burning. When someone doesn’t reply to your facebook message should you just keep waiting? for how long? should you write again after a few days?

5:00 PM

Call from Husband. He won’t be home after work. Something about saving the children, or the safety of children being top priority. Whatever it is he won’t be home. Time to make supper, put child to watch television then update my blog so I’m not behind and the blogging workload doesn’t become overwhelming like housework load on a Monday (after a no-cleaning Sunday).

Sunday’s Journal Entries Part 3

10:30 AM

Written far too much in this diary log and it’s not even noon yet! Must not make this diary writing a new obsession like I do with most anything I start.

12:40 PM

Playing acrobats with daughter (using Barbies not ourselves)

Haven’t walked dog yet or showered. All I want to do is listen to boy band music and lay in bed, looking at the boyband posters on daughter’s wall and imagining running into these fine young British men at a sandwich shop, then we’d instantly become best of friends. Five fun, young and energetic guy friends to joke with all day and just do silly things like running on a beach in slow motion, fashionable guys who dress brilliant (aren’t afraid to wear white pants or red pants) and are famously cute. Yes, right, I’m supposed to be playing Barbies.

2:15 PM

Walked the dog!
Now my sinuses hurt. I forgot that in the middle of the night my sinuses and chest hurt and I was having trouble breathing. Suppose if I’d remembered that I wouldn’t have walked the dog so far. But worked off the egg and bacon from breakfast (I imagine), although I just ate 3 more M&M chocolate almonds to give me enough energy to take a shower.

Husband bringing home playdate for child this afternoon! After shower will go to a coffee shop 😀 (to avoid playdate)

3:26

At coffee shop 😀
Ordered healthy sandwich and soup. All showered now and prepared for any emergency swimming sessions, should any arrise (shaved my legs). Was thinking to put my diary onto my blog. Instantly got overwhelmed with how much work it’s going to be. But now that I thought it I must do it!

Would it be dangerous to blog all my real life and real thoughts? Will someone create an elaborate flow chart (covering an entire wall in their hotel room in which they live) of my life, where I am and when and with whom? What type of body wash I use, etc? Then plan a complicated stalking plot, of computer-science caliber, that will inspire a thriller movie in the future after my tormented death?

Why can’t I just simply enjoy this Bridget Jones novel I’m reading and NOT want to create something similar myself? (this is my first time reading a Bridget Jones novel)

Why are they still playing Christmas music in this coffee shop?

4:47 PM

Migrated from one coffee shop to another, partly because of Christmas music thing and partly because I didn’t want to overstay my welcome at first coffee shop. Am now at Starbucks where reading-loitering is more acceptable. Got a mocha and a cake-pop. Have no idea what the saturated fat content is of said items and therefore can consume them without fear (or with less fear) of a heart attack. At least I managed to avoid the Nutella jar today 😀

7:24 PM

Just got back from Mass (church). Was thinking, the entire time, about how I wish I had somwhere fancy to go and someone to go with for New Year’s Eve. Realized I wasn’t paying attention or praying and am a selfish, unspiritual heathen. Didn’t take communion (bread), had to cross arms in an act of rejection due to past heathenism which is still uncleansed by a confession session. Priest patted me on the shoulder, he knows…. Wish we could skip the whole confessional thing and I could just get a nod of “oh-u-did-that-again-ok-u-r-forgiven” as I’m coming up the line, then we can get on with it.

New Resolutions (for now): write less in diary log, post daily so as not to be thousands of words behind and spend all morning posting. Stop eating Nutella for a week at least.

Sunday’s Journal Entries Continued…

9:00 AM (Sunday)

Not sure what to eat for breakfast. Husband forgot to pick up Cereal for me on his late-night grocery run, so now options are: toast (which is like eating air) or waffles (which I’ve had everyday for weeks and are unhealthy) with Nutella (which I’ve been devouring by the jar), or eggs and bacon (bad for cholesterol)

Note to self: must stop eating Nutella with breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I haven’t been getting any exercise (too snowy and cold to walk dog *cough-excuses-cough*), and I’ve been eating a lot of chocolates, given (cruely) as Christmas gifts by so-called ‘friends’, and cookies too. I’m supposed to be very careful with my cholesterol (even though I’m a young 30-something)… which makes me think of my grandma (the cholesterol, not my age). I should call her or visit her. Maybe as a New Year’s thing.

Want to go out New Year’s Eve, but there’s nowhere to go, no events that would require dressing up. Husband will be setting up merchandising tent at a New Years family festival event which I do not feel like helping out with, although I probably should if I were a model wife, and will have to keep track of daughter at the same time at said event. A far cry from the elagant wine and cheese non-existant New Year’s Eve cocktail party I’d rather be attending.

9:09 AM

So hungry. Scared if I eat even one spoonful of Nutella today I’ll die by night fall. Waffles also have saturated fat, so do eggs. Toast will make me more hungry than before I ate said toast (inadvertently kicking hunger into full swing for the day), resulting in me stuffing an oreo with Nutella, Peanut butter and icing, then devouring four of these creations, because there is no package label warning me how much saturated fat this combination has.
Food options: 0

9:11 AM

Daughter is singing to herself in bed. Should go say hi. Then make her something fat laden for breakfast (she’s as this as a rail, with shoulder bones sticking out so far you’d think she was growing wings). Eggs and bacon and heavily buttered toast for her this morning!

9:26 AM

Had chat with daughter about how her teacher obviously is unqualified to teach language arts. Tried to explain proper novel writing. Still haven’t eaten. Daughter is on computer now typing away on her novel (she is 8 years old) while Husband is still tapping away on his ipad on couch. They will loiter around like this until I make them breakfast.

9:37 AM

Had an M&M chocolate almond. Making bacon now while reading Bridget Jones and putting away yesterday’s Boxing Week Sale shopping spree items, thrown onto kitchen table by Husband yesterday as his way of putting things away. (is putting stuff away also akin to ‘picking up sticks’ on a Sabbath? Must not think of it)

Let dog out and realized it is warmer outside, meaning I can walk dog today (work or leisure?) also meaning I can eat bacon with breakfast! (turkey bacon of course). And maybe even an egg! Oh and French Fries too!

Hopefully my exercise to what-I-can-eat ratio isn’t too far off in my calculations.

10:20 AM

Make breakfast for three, ate: 1 egg, 2 toast, 3 bacon, handful of fries, orange juice and 2 M&M chocolate Almonds.

Husband has transitioned from ipad tapping to Man-Movie watching on couch while eating the breakfast I made him.

I must shower today.

I’M BACK!

Sunday (yesterday) journal enteries: (this is me)

8:34 AM

Decided to start journaling for the New Year, Bridget Jones style! To help me keep on track with New Year’s Resolutions.

8:40

Must figure out New Years’ Resolutions before the New Year. Must de-clutter house of Christmas clutter and store it all neatly and orderly in plastic bins in the basement, then de-clutter basement.

Had a dream about my grandma. She was happy and smiling. Feeling guilty that I never visit her.

Plans for today:

-Play with daughter
-Not do dishes or laundry or de-clutter house because it’s Sunday (no work day)
-Find out if there is confession today (probably not) so I won’t have to cross my arms and refuse the bread again when I go up for Communion, resulting in shame and embarrassment and onlookers wondering what grave sin I’ve committed (there aren’t that many, murder being one of them).
-Go to Mass (maybe)
-Read more of Bridget Jones latest book that I got for Christmas (which I picked out myself and wrapped myself but used Husband’s money and labeled it from Husband) because it’s SO funny, although I vaguely remember a passage in the Old Testament saying something like ‘they do what they regularily do on any other day (on Sunday) and don’t keep it Holy.” Resulting in God being upset. I also vaguely remember someone being put to death for ‘picking up sticks’ on a Sabbath day O.o
-I probably shouldn’t be writing seeing as that is something I would do on any regular day. Plus if I become a writer then ‘writing’ would be work (akin to picking up sticks)!
-Just realizing now that I have a lot of religious stuff running through my head, maybe because it’s Sunday.
-Can’t write anymore because Husband is on couch beside me playing some stupid war game on his ipad mini which involves endless tapping on the screen and not a lick of real video game hand/eye co-ordination skill (this generation has become even too lazy for video gaming skill), and the tapping is too distracting for me to write.

(end of first installment of yesterday’s diary enteries, will catch up to today’s date this morning at some point after a few posts…)

The Best Feeling Ever

The best feeling ever? When Amy, I mean Cassie, laughs out loud at something I’ve said. It tickles my insides. Going with her to a movie is better than Disney Land or anything imaginable. Not only does it certify me as the coolest guy on the planet but she is HAPPY when we hang out. She laughs and she’s so easy going, she’s thin and light and so was the skirt she was wearing, and she’s shorter than me, THUMBS UP!

So if you disregard the age difference (I haven’t asked her what her age is because I’m smart enough to know it’s not socially acceptable to ask women over the age of twenty-something what their age is, but I do know she’s a teacher, and if you factor in a university degree I’d say she’s 26? 28?), so what was I saying? Yes, if you disregard the age difference, which in my opinion shouldn’t matter, then I’d say we’re perfect for one another. She says I’m so easy to get along with.

I could spend all day writing about Cassie’s great qualities but I will update you on our movie night. I don’t exactly remember what the movie was about, because all my brain could register was that I was in a dark theater beside the most beautiful woman in the world. Like I said, whenever she laughed it tickled my insides and I wanted to just grab her and kiss her, which was pretty much all I thought about throughout the entire movie.

After the show I was too embarrassed to ask her to drive me anywhere (so I took the bus home), and I didn’t offer to do anything afterwards like go for coffee, but instead I said I’d left my little dog at home and needed to let her out to go pee, so I had to go home.

I should have asked her to go for a walk. What do grown-ups do after a date? I mean, you know, in the early stages of a relationship? Like casual things. In romantic movies they always end up going for a walk at night and finding a lonely park where the guy pushes the girl on the swing. But there are no parks close by to down town.

Oh well, I was way too riled up to stay around Amy for longer than the two hour movie anyway. I doubt I could have been able to keep up any sort of decent conversation, when all I could focus on was her rosy lips and perfect hips.

Oh Amy…

The Mall Is A Magical Place – Part Three (Texting)

Me and Cassey’s (aka Amy) texts:

-Let’s see a movie (I wrote this when we parted ways in the mall)

The reply came after supper that evening:

-I don’t think that would go over too well with my fiance
-That you went to see a show with some kid?
-lol good point
-Thanks for hanging out at the mall 🙂
-no problem, you were a great help with the kids
-I was?
-yes 🙂
-I might go see a movie anyway by myself
-Then I might bump into you
-?
-I do need to get out of the house. All I do is babysit
-No friends?
-Not here, we just moved here
-you and your fiance?
-I’m living with my sister until he finally comes home so we can look at houses to buy
-he’s not around?
-no, he’s never around. works on the oil rigs.
-you going to be a rigger’s wife?
-I was hoping he’d get a different job
-hoping?
-I told him last year that I don’t like it when he’s never around, the rig job doesn’t work for me
-what did he say?
-that it makes lots of money
-so? I’d chose working at mcdonalds if that meant more days with you
-well you’re 15
-almost 16. If you’re a teacher you already make decent money don’t you?
-Not that great but we wouldn’t be broke if he took a lesser paying job
-Can he take vacation time? in the summer?
-he could have taken the summer off but didn’t want to lose the money
-all hail the great and magnificent god of money
-lol, I’m going to go see a movie
-which one?
-The Heat at 7:30
-That’s the same one I’m going to tonight!
-lol, you’re sweet. I guess I do need to make some friends
-Yep, I’m the perfect ‘friend’
-We’ll have to see
-I may be standing around trying to decide on snacks so you might run into me
-You should stand out of the way then
-and miss the opportunity to be run into by you? Not a chance
-lol

The Mall Is a Magical Place – Part Two

I could tell you about Amy’s bratty little niece and nephew and how annoying they are but I don’t fully remember. All I remember is Amy dressed in a summer dress, her red hair flowing around her shoulders and her gorgeous smile. When she gave me that smile, as I approached her at the mall, I knew she didn’t mind the black hair and new look.

“I honestly don’t remember seeing you at the garage sale.” She said in her soft, sing-song voice. I didn’t say ‘just imagine me 40 pounds heavier with boring brown hair and ugly clothes’, instead I said “I dyed my hair.”

Amy’s real name is Cassey. She’s amazing. She’s soft spoken and always nice to the brat kids (they don’t deserve her), she’s got a friendly manner and positive outlook on everything. She thinks I’m funny and nothing irritates her. We got icecream for the kids and ourselves but I couldn’t eat much of it, because I was nervous and because every time Amy (Cassey) took a lick of her icecream my stomach tightened up and I had to look away, it was much too wonderful to watch.

The best part was when we were parting ways.
The brats had become overly annoying and Amy said they needed a nap. She was heading for her car and I had taken the bus so I was heading in the other direction, too embarrassed to ask for a ride. Then she said,

“I don’t have to watch the kids in the evening.”

I froze. I couldn’t even think straight, was she asking me to ask her on a date? My tongue was tied, like they say “tongue-tied”, that’s exactly what it felt like, tied up in a knot.
She smiled then and walked away.

When I finally recovered from my trance I send her a text:

-Let’s see a movie 🙂

The Mall Is a Magical Place

Today, as I was trying to style my hair, I got this text from my mom:

Can you take the bus down to the mall and pick up shampoo and conditioner? I work late.

I had planned to walk Xena that day but then decided I could invite Jane to the mall and we’d make a date of it. Well, not a real date because I have no idea if Jane likes me in that way or if I like her in that way.

I gave up on trying to style my hair and at the bus stop Jane commented on how long it is. I hadn’t cut it for four months and my bangs are now down to below my nose. That’s when I had the brilliant idea to go to a hair salon in the mall and get an “emo” hairstyle.
Long story short I got a sweet emo hair cut, dyed my hair raven black, got the works. They even styled it for me in just the right way. Jane was quite shocked when I met up with her afterwards, she said I look very different. I’m sure I do. First of all I lost a LOT of weight this summer and actually bought nice clothes for once and I dyed my hair black. It wasn’t until after all this that I realized I have no idea if Amy likes black hair.

I was getting a lot of looks and a lot of smiles from the girls at the mall, like the kind of smiles you want to get if you’re a guy, it was awesome. I’ve NEVER gotten smiles like that before, ever. The girls didn’t even seem to care that Jane was walking with me, I still got the smiles.

Once again I was finding it difficult to eat so I gave Jane my fries and ended up just drinking a bottle of water. I was nervous because I wanted to text Amy again but didn’t know what to say. Finally after much deliberation I texted her this:

-Want to come to the mall and hang out?
-got the kids
-bring kids?
-ok, kiddie ride coin machines?
-see u there 🙂

My Amy is a teacher…

For those of you who don’t know who Amy is I will give you a brief recap. I went to a garage sale earlier this summer and came across the most beautiful woman in the world, with the most beautiful… um.. tank top I’ve ever seen. I decided to call her Amy because she looks like the actress Amy Adams who played Lois Lane in the recent Superman Movie ‘Man of Steele’.

Anyway I couldn’t stop thinking about her so I wrote her a secret admirer letter, explaining how I’d seen her at the garage sale and I thought she was beautiful and that I was not yet 18 (plus I left my cell number). After leaving it in her mailbox I felt really dumb and didn’t expect to get a text or a call. And I didn’t get either, for like a month. Then, standing in Jane’s bedroom, (I was there to pick up my mom’s dog Xena) I got this text:

-Hi. I got your letter in my mailbox. It was sweet.

I had no choice but to explain the situation to Jane of course, because I was standing in her bedroom dumbfounded and in shock. She’s a really good listener, and she doesn’t even mind that I call her Jane (although I haven’t told her the real reason I nicknamed her Jane, ‘Plane Jane’). It took me like an hour to finally send a text reply to Amy. Jane and I went through a million possible replies but I was too nervous to be satisfied with any of them. Nothing seemed quite right. Then finally the winning reply was:

-wanna go for coffee?
-I’ve got the kids
-you have to watch your kids all day?
-no, my sister’s kids. I don’t have any of my own.
I’m a teacher, don’t work in summer saves money if I watch them.
-Cool.

It took a few hours for me to stop feeling shaky after that AWESOME text conversation.
Jane didn’t have to babysit her little sister that day because her mom was home so we went to the mall together to buy me some clothes that actually fit me (I un-grew all of my clothes – lost weight this summer). Did I mention my mom gave me money for all the house cleaning I’ve been doing lately? It was enough to buy back a new x-box and I’m sure she expected I would do just that, but I wasn’t fully decided.

Now I’m glad I didn’t spend the money because Jane and I picked out some really great looking clothes for me. All clothes look great when you’re skinny. Ya, you heard me, I totally lost weight, very much so. And I couldn’t eat almost all day yesterday, I was running on some ‘Amy’s Text Replies’ high so I wasn’t even hungry. I couldn’t believe she actually texted me! As a young guy you can’t imagine what a boost that is to my ego. She’s so hot! Anyway this post is getting long but I’ll keep you all updated…