A Lonely Wind Blows Tonight

It’s been months since my last post. No point in rehashing months, so I’ll start with the today and now.

There’s no reason why today should feel more lonely than any other day, why the warm Chinook wind blowing down the street outside my window should make me feel more hollow than I’ve ever felt in my life. It seems impossible that not too long ago I enjoyed being home alone. Whenever my mom came home she’d always find something she needed me to be doing, but when she was gone I could play video games, or just relax and enjoy the sound of the wind.

But right now the sound of the wind is only making me feel empty inside. It’s Jane’s fault, her and her stupid large family, with aunts and uncles and grandparents and an army of kids. Even Xena’s little rat-dog presence at my feet doesn’t put a dent in my loneliness. I can’t stand it anymore.

“Xena.” I call, grabbing the leash hanging on the coat hook. Xena’s ears perk up but she doesn’t move from her position on the floor. Lazy dog.

“Xena!” I call again, gathering up my cell phone and earphones. Xena sets her tiny head down between her front paws. I walked her today already, but aren’t dogs supposed to LOVE going for walks? I grab my coat and shove my feet into my runners.

“Stay here then.” I mumble, opening the front door. Xena trots over and sits down beside me, staring up at me with her big ugly Chiuaua eyes. Apparently the threat of being left home alone is a greater evil for her than taking another walk. To her credit Xena has some kind of hip problem that acts up when the weather is bad, when it rains or snows or the wind blows, or there’s a full moon, I don’t know, I’m not old enough to understand hip problems. I attach Xena’s leash to her collar but pick her up in my arms anyway, adjusting her under one arm like a spoiled diva in a high school teen movie for rich L.A. girls. I press play on my phone and slip it into my pocket. Tonight Xena is walking me.

I step out into the wind and Xena shivers. It isn’t cold, Xena is just a drama queen. My mind keeps going back to the night Jane’s family was having that big family reunion and we played “Village” and all the kids thought I was the greatest thing that ever happened to them. They’re all gone now, not dead gone, like in a tragic house fire or something, but just gone home to their busy, lively homes with shouting and laughing and whatever happens in homes that aren’t lonely.

I look into the windows of the houses on my street. It’s still too early for anyone to be asleep for the night, yet most of the lights are off. I imagine they’re not home because they’re off with friends to see a movie, attend a girly sleep over or a fun video game night. What do guys do on a ‘guy’s night out’ anyway?

I shuffle through the songs on my phone but none of them seem appropriate for my lonely mood so I just stop the music and pull out my earphones letting the wind sing the perfect song of melancholy.

I hadn’t planned to go to Jane’s house and probably wouldn’t have even noticed I was passing by if Hasselhoff Huskey hadn’t barked, scaring Xena stiff in my arms.

I look up at Jane’s house which is dark like the rest of the street, except for a light farther in, like someone has left a bathroom light on. I stop, to Xena’s dismay, and stand in front of Jane’s house, letting Hasselhoff Huskey’s deep barks cut through the sad sounds of the wind in the trees.

Suddenly the front door swings open, startling an swear out of my mouth, which fortunately gets snatched away on the rush of an oncoming wind.

Jane looks different tonight. Her hair messy and eyes watery. No one else comes to the door as I would expect, her dad coming to yell at me for just standing there and provoking the dog, her mom inviting me in for cookies with her thick accent, or Jane’s little sister exclaiming, “You came to play Barbies!” They don’t come, it’s just Jane, standing in bare feet on the front step, in jeans and a goodie.

She doesn’t ask me why I’m just standing here or why I came, she just breathes. I recognize that breathing, it’s the kind you do after a good cry. Hasselhoff Husky has stopped barking and Xena has stopped shaking. The wind has taken a moment’s pause and all that is left is Jane’s breathing and my desperation for human contact.

“Can I come in?” I ask. Jane doesn’t say anything but simply steps aside. I climb up the stairs, Xena in hand, my heart pounding wildly. If she realizes how badly I need her right now I’ll lose her forever. She’ll stop talking to me, shut her blinds and unleash HasselHoff to bite Xena when we walk by. That’s how it always is with the opposite sex. You can’t let them know how much you need them, it only scares them away.

I stand awkwardly at the door a moment, then go inside and set Xena down. She starts shaking again, her legs getting knock kneed as she takes in the unfamiliar surroundings and smells. She looks up at me with pleading eyes.

“Go on.” I say, shoving her in further with my foot so Jane and I can have room to go in. I hear the door close behind me and turn to face Jane. Suddenly her arms are around me and she is crying. I’m too stunned to move. I should hug her back, but I’m frozen in place.

Jane lets go.

“Sorry,” she says, looking as uncomfortable as I usually feel in these types of circumstances. But for once I’m not the one feeling out of place and awkward. I smile to reassure her, then pull her back into a hug.

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Last Night – Part One (on the outside looking in)

I’m walking down my street, the sun is setting, the flowers and grass breathe out their lovely scent. Xena is stopping to smell some other dog’s poop. My plan is to do a long walk tonight because its finally starting to make a difference, I’m lighter and less lazy than when I started this daily walking so I want to push myself a little tonight, to help set free the skinny me.

I realize that I’m in front of Jane’s house, usually I go the other direction. The poop on the grass is probably HasselHoff Huskey’s poop. Jane’s house is lively with activity tonight. There are a lot of rowdy adult voices resonating from within, speaking in a fast European-style dialect (the kind where people yell their words rather than say them). I suppose they have to yell to be heard over the folk music, which is playing much too loudly. Cars are parked and double parked on the driveway, right up to the sidewalk so I can’t walk with Xena but have to swerve out onto the road around a large van.

Something about the sounds of joyful merriment make the rest of the street look lonely and abandoned. Jane’s house stands like a shelter in the woods and I’m on the outside, alone in a dark forest of gloomy houses. I pick Xena up into my arms and stand there a while, trying to imagine what the party inside is like. I imagine a medieval Viking reunion, or a Lord of the Rings Dwarf celebration. I look at my cheap, LOTR ring on my finger, the one I bought at a garage sale a while back. It’s been doing a great job keeping me invisible. Suddenly I don’t feel like going for the long walk I had set out for, because I’m too tired. The dark street stretches out before me and behind me in the shadows sits my empty house, tall and brooding. My mom is out at a late movie tonight with friends (even she has friends). All I have is Xena, my mom’s ugly rat dog. Its been me and Xena all summer so far. But maybe that could change…

I Went To Confession Today

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I took some photos with my phone of the frost we had today. And I finally got a few groceries! Just cheese, bread and eggs, some chips for school and apples and pasta (which makes a great meal if you melt cheese on top!)

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So I did it… I went to confession today. There weren’t many people in the church when I got there, but it still took a REALLY long time for it to be my turn, because I decided I would wait to go last. The longer I waited the more nervous I got. It felt like I was waiting to go up in front of my class to do a presentation… about my sins! Continue reading

The shocking identity of my online crush…

I hate getting out of bed in a cold room, as much as I hate sitting on a really cold toilet seat. They are both equally evil. That is why I ended up back in my bed, under the covers with a coat on Friday morning. Since my mom saw me walking to the washroom that morning she must have assumed I was getting ready for school, because she didn’t check on me again before leaving for work. My sisters had left even earlier to whatever club meetings they have BEFORE school (this is why I don’t join school clubs). So after they all left I fell back asleep. I’m supposed to catch two city buses to get to school if I don’t leave super early in my sisters’ car, but wearing a jacket to bed makes me so cozy that I doze off into blissful sleep and miss both buses. I actually dream about DC. He gives me a ring and it’s so beautiful. Unfortunately just as I want to kiss him I wake up to a loud truck revving its engine on the street below. That’s when I realize I’m late!

Arriving at school late is a lot more fun than arriving at school on time. Maybe it’s the bright happy sun, shining in the bus windows all the way to school, instead of the dark cold images of early morning. I’m positive everyone would be happier if school started later in the day. Even the temperature doesn’t feel as cold with the sun beating down. So there’s no way I can be unhappy this morning, despite the late slip I have to carry to my teacher. Lunch is in like an hour cuz I’m so late, so it’s a short school day for me! Did I mention I even had a nice, unrushed, quiet breakfast at home? I thought if I was going to be late anyway, why rush?

Like I said, it was impossible to not be happy on this morning… except Morgan keeps looking at me. I don’t like Morgan because he doesn’t like himself.

Continue reading