A Lonely Wind Blows Tonight

It’s been months since my last post. No point in rehashing months, so I’ll start with the today and now.

There’s no reason why today should feel more lonely than any other day, why the warm Chinook wind blowing down the street outside my window should make me feel more hollow than I’ve ever felt in my life. It seems impossible that not too long ago I enjoyed being home alone. Whenever my mom came home she’d always find something she needed me to be doing, but when she was gone I could play video games, or just relax and enjoy the sound of the wind.

But right now the sound of the wind is only making me feel empty inside. It’s Jane’s fault, her and her stupid large family, with aunts and uncles and grandparents and an army of kids. Even Xena’s little rat-dog presence at my feet doesn’t put a dent in my loneliness. I can’t stand it anymore.

“Xena.” I call, grabbing the leash hanging on the coat hook. Xena’s ears perk up but she doesn’t move from her position on the floor. Lazy dog.

“Xena!” I call again, gathering up my cell phone and earphones. Xena sets her tiny head down between her front paws. I walked her today already, but aren’t dogs supposed to LOVE going for walks? I grab my coat and shove my feet into my runners.

“Stay here then.” I mumble, opening the front door. Xena trots over and sits down beside me, staring up at me with her big ugly Chiuaua eyes. Apparently the threat of being left home alone is a greater evil for her than taking another walk. To her credit Xena has some kind of hip problem that acts up when the weather is bad, when it rains or snows or the wind blows, or there’s a full moon, I don’t know, I’m not old enough to understand hip problems. I attach Xena’s leash to her collar but pick her up in my arms anyway, adjusting her under one arm like a spoiled diva in a high school teen movie for rich L.A. girls. I press play on my phone and slip it into my pocket. Tonight Xena is walking me.

I step out into the wind and Xena shivers. It isn’t cold, Xena is just a drama queen. My mind keeps going back to the night Jane’s family was having that big family reunion and we played “Village” and all the kids thought I was the greatest thing that ever happened to them. They’re all gone now, not dead gone, like in a tragic house fire or something, but just gone home to their busy, lively homes with shouting and laughing and whatever happens in homes that aren’t lonely.

I look into the windows of the houses on my street. It’s still too early for anyone to be asleep for the night, yet most of the lights are off. I imagine they’re not home because they’re off with friends to see a movie, attend a girly sleep over or a fun video game night. What do guys do on a ‘guy’s night out’ anyway?

I shuffle through the songs on my phone but none of them seem appropriate for my lonely mood so I just stop the music and pull out my earphones letting the wind sing the perfect song of melancholy.

I hadn’t planned to go to Jane’s house and probably wouldn’t have even noticed I was passing by if Hasselhoff Huskey hadn’t barked, scaring Xena stiff in my arms.

I look up at Jane’s house which is dark like the rest of the street, except for a light farther in, like someone has left a bathroom light on. I stop, to Xena’s dismay, and stand in front of Jane’s house, letting Hasselhoff Huskey’s deep barks cut through the sad sounds of the wind in the trees.

Suddenly the front door swings open, startling an swear out of my mouth, which fortunately gets snatched away on the rush of an oncoming wind.

Jane looks different tonight. Her hair messy and eyes watery. No one else comes to the door as I would expect, her dad coming to yell at me for just standing there and provoking the dog, her mom inviting me in for cookies with her thick accent, or Jane’s little sister exclaiming, “You came to play Barbies!” They don’t come, it’s just Jane, standing in bare feet on the front step, in jeans and a goodie.

She doesn’t ask me why I’m just standing here or why I came, she just breathes. I recognize that breathing, it’s the kind you do after a good cry. Hasselhoff Husky has stopped barking and Xena has stopped shaking. The wind has taken a moment’s pause and all that is left is Jane’s breathing and my desperation for human contact.

“Can I come in?” I ask. Jane doesn’t say anything but simply steps aside. I climb up the stairs, Xena in hand, my heart pounding wildly. If she realizes how badly I need her right now I’ll lose her forever. She’ll stop talking to me, shut her blinds and unleash HasselHoff to bite Xena when we walk by. That’s how it always is with the opposite sex. You can’t let them know how much you need them, it only scares them away.

I stand awkwardly at the door a moment, then go inside and set Xena down. She starts shaking again, her legs getting knock kneed as she takes in the unfamiliar surroundings and smells. She looks up at me with pleading eyes.

“Go on.” I say, shoving her in further with my foot so Jane and I can have room to go in. I hear the door close behind me and turn to face Jane. Suddenly her arms are around me and she is crying. I’m too stunned to move. I should hug her back, but I’m frozen in place.

Jane lets go.

“Sorry,” she says, looking as uncomfortable as I usually feel in these types of circumstances. But for once I’m not the one feeling out of place and awkward. I smile to reassure her, then pull her back into a hug.

The Best Feeling Ever

The best feeling ever? When Amy, I mean Cassie, laughs out loud at something I’ve said. It tickles my insides. Going with her to a movie is better than Disney Land or anything imaginable. Not only does it certify me as the coolest guy on the planet but she is HAPPY when we hang out. She laughs and she’s so easy going, she’s thin and light and so was the skirt she was wearing, and she’s shorter than me, THUMBS UP!

So if you disregard the age difference (I haven’t asked her what her age is because I’m smart enough to know it’s not socially acceptable to ask women over the age of twenty-something what their age is, but I do know she’s a teacher, and if you factor in a university degree I’d say she’s 26? 28?), so what was I saying? Yes, if you disregard the age difference, which in my opinion shouldn’t matter, then I’d say we’re perfect for one another. She says I’m so easy to get along with.

I could spend all day writing about Cassie’s great qualities but I will update you on our movie night. I don’t exactly remember what the movie was about, because all my brain could register was that I was in a dark theater beside the most beautiful woman in the world. Like I said, whenever she laughed it tickled my insides and I wanted to just grab her and kiss her, which was pretty much all I thought about throughout the entire movie.

After the show I was too embarrassed to ask her to drive me anywhere (so I took the bus home), and I didn’t offer to do anything afterwards like go for coffee, but instead I said I’d left my little dog at home and needed to let her out to go pee, so I had to go home.

I should have asked her to go for a walk. What do grown-ups do after a date? I mean, you know, in the early stages of a relationship? Like casual things. In romantic movies they always end up going for a walk at night and finding a lonely park where the guy pushes the girl on the swing. But there are no parks close by to down town.

Oh well, I was way too riled up to stay around Amy for longer than the two hour movie anyway. I doubt I could have been able to keep up any sort of decent conversation, when all I could focus on was her rosy lips and perfect hips.

Oh Amy…

The Mall Is A Magical Place – Part Three (Texting)

Me and Cassey’s (aka Amy) texts:

-Let’s see a movie (I wrote this when we parted ways in the mall)

The reply came after supper that evening:

-I don’t think that would go over too well with my fiance
-That you went to see a show with some kid?
-lol good point
-Thanks for hanging out at the mall 🙂
-no problem, you were a great help with the kids
-I was?
-yes 🙂
-I might go see a movie anyway by myself
-Then I might bump into you
-?
-I do need to get out of the house. All I do is babysit
-No friends?
-Not here, we just moved here
-you and your fiance?
-I’m living with my sister until he finally comes home so we can look at houses to buy
-he’s not around?
-no, he’s never around. works on the oil rigs.
-you going to be a rigger’s wife?
-I was hoping he’d get a different job
-hoping?
-I told him last year that I don’t like it when he’s never around, the rig job doesn’t work for me
-what did he say?
-that it makes lots of money
-so? I’d chose working at mcdonalds if that meant more days with you
-well you’re 15
-almost 16. If you’re a teacher you already make decent money don’t you?
-Not that great but we wouldn’t be broke if he took a lesser paying job
-Can he take vacation time? in the summer?
-he could have taken the summer off but didn’t want to lose the money
-all hail the great and magnificent god of money
-lol, I’m going to go see a movie
-which one?
-The Heat at 7:30
-That’s the same one I’m going to tonight!
-lol, you’re sweet. I guess I do need to make some friends
-Yep, I’m the perfect ‘friend’
-We’ll have to see
-I may be standing around trying to decide on snacks so you might run into me
-You should stand out of the way then
-and miss the opportunity to be run into by you? Not a chance
-lol

The Mall Is a Magical Place – Part Two

I could tell you about Amy’s bratty little niece and nephew and how annoying they are but I don’t fully remember. All I remember is Amy dressed in a summer dress, her red hair flowing around her shoulders and her gorgeous smile. When she gave me that smile, as I approached her at the mall, I knew she didn’t mind the black hair and new look.

“I honestly don’t remember seeing you at the garage sale.” She said in her soft, sing-song voice. I didn’t say ‘just imagine me 40 pounds heavier with boring brown hair and ugly clothes’, instead I said “I dyed my hair.”

Amy’s real name is Cassey. She’s amazing. She’s soft spoken and always nice to the brat kids (they don’t deserve her), she’s got a friendly manner and positive outlook on everything. She thinks I’m funny and nothing irritates her. We got icecream for the kids and ourselves but I couldn’t eat much of it, because I was nervous and because every time Amy (Cassey) took a lick of her icecream my stomach tightened up and I had to look away, it was much too wonderful to watch.

The best part was when we were parting ways.
The brats had become overly annoying and Amy said they needed a nap. She was heading for her car and I had taken the bus so I was heading in the other direction, too embarrassed to ask for a ride. Then she said,

“I don’t have to watch the kids in the evening.”

I froze. I couldn’t even think straight, was she asking me to ask her on a date? My tongue was tied, like they say “tongue-tied”, that’s exactly what it felt like, tied up in a knot.
She smiled then and walked away.

When I finally recovered from my trance I send her a text:

-Let’s see a movie 🙂

The Mall Is a Magical Place

Today, as I was trying to style my hair, I got this text from my mom:

Can you take the bus down to the mall and pick up shampoo and conditioner? I work late.

I had planned to walk Xena that day but then decided I could invite Jane to the mall and we’d make a date of it. Well, not a real date because I have no idea if Jane likes me in that way or if I like her in that way.

I gave up on trying to style my hair and at the bus stop Jane commented on how long it is. I hadn’t cut it for four months and my bangs are now down to below my nose. That’s when I had the brilliant idea to go to a hair salon in the mall and get an “emo” hairstyle.
Long story short I got a sweet emo hair cut, dyed my hair raven black, got the works. They even styled it for me in just the right way. Jane was quite shocked when I met up with her afterwards, she said I look very different. I’m sure I do. First of all I lost a LOT of weight this summer and actually bought nice clothes for once and I dyed my hair black. It wasn’t until after all this that I realized I have no idea if Amy likes black hair.

I was getting a lot of looks and a lot of smiles from the girls at the mall, like the kind of smiles you want to get if you’re a guy, it was awesome. I’ve NEVER gotten smiles like that before, ever. The girls didn’t even seem to care that Jane was walking with me, I still got the smiles.

Once again I was finding it difficult to eat so I gave Jane my fries and ended up just drinking a bottle of water. I was nervous because I wanted to text Amy again but didn’t know what to say. Finally after much deliberation I texted her this:

-Want to come to the mall and hang out?
-got the kids
-bring kids?
-ok, kiddie ride coin machines?
-see u there 🙂

My Amy is a teacher…

For those of you who don’t know who Amy is I will give you a brief recap. I went to a garage sale earlier this summer and came across the most beautiful woman in the world, with the most beautiful… um.. tank top I’ve ever seen. I decided to call her Amy because she looks like the actress Amy Adams who played Lois Lane in the recent Superman Movie ‘Man of Steele’.

Anyway I couldn’t stop thinking about her so I wrote her a secret admirer letter, explaining how I’d seen her at the garage sale and I thought she was beautiful and that I was not yet 18 (plus I left my cell number). After leaving it in her mailbox I felt really dumb and didn’t expect to get a text or a call. And I didn’t get either, for like a month. Then, standing in Jane’s bedroom, (I was there to pick up my mom’s dog Xena) I got this text:

-Hi. I got your letter in my mailbox. It was sweet.

I had no choice but to explain the situation to Jane of course, because I was standing in her bedroom dumbfounded and in shock. She’s a really good listener, and she doesn’t even mind that I call her Jane (although I haven’t told her the real reason I nicknamed her Jane, ‘Plane Jane’). It took me like an hour to finally send a text reply to Amy. Jane and I went through a million possible replies but I was too nervous to be satisfied with any of them. Nothing seemed quite right. Then finally the winning reply was:

-wanna go for coffee?
-I’ve got the kids
-you have to watch your kids all day?
-no, my sister’s kids. I don’t have any of my own.
I’m a teacher, don’t work in summer saves money if I watch them.
-Cool.

It took a few hours for me to stop feeling shaky after that AWESOME text conversation.
Jane didn’t have to babysit her little sister that day because her mom was home so we went to the mall together to buy me some clothes that actually fit me (I un-grew all of my clothes – lost weight this summer). Did I mention my mom gave me money for all the house cleaning I’ve been doing lately? It was enough to buy back a new x-box and I’m sure she expected I would do just that, but I wasn’t fully decided.

Now I’m glad I didn’t spend the money because Jane and I picked out some really great looking clothes for me. All clothes look great when you’re skinny. Ya, you heard me, I totally lost weight, very much so. And I couldn’t eat almost all day yesterday, I was running on some ‘Amy’s Text Replies’ high so I wasn’t even hungry. I couldn’t believe she actually texted me! As a young guy you can’t imagine what a boost that is to my ego. She’s so hot! Anyway this post is getting long but I’ll keep you all updated…

An Unexpected Text Reply

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I went to bed after 2am (after Jane’s party) and my mom was up at 6am, freaking out about Xena being gone.

So needless to say I had to go to Jane’s house again today to pick up Xena. I waited until it seemed like a decent hour, 9:30 am, then headed over to her house.
The front door was open, with just the screen door closed and I could smell something delicious baking inside. Jane’s mother was home. She said she was making chocolate banana pancakes. I’d never heard of chocolate banana pancakes but what a brilliant idea! My tummy was rumbling. But the text messages wouldn’t stop beeping on my phone, my mom asking if Xena was safe for the millionth time, so I had to get an answer for her immediately. Jane’s mom said I could go downstairs and see if Jane was awake.

Jane’s bedroom door was slightly open when I got there. Xena was sleeping with her, tucked right under Jane’s chin like a stuffed animal. I watched them for a moment, admiring how pretty Jane looked when asleep, and how even more rodent-like Xena looked while sleeping.

Xena noticed me first and jumped out of Jane’s arms, waking her.
“Oh hi.” She said, blinking at me.
I expected her to panic and yell for me to get out. Girls don’t like to be looked at first thing in the morning. But she only smiled and sat up slowly. She was wearing a tank top and pajama bottoms. I didn’t feel the same way, seeing her in a tank top, as I did seeing Amy in one, but it still made me smile, seeing her dishevelled hair and glazed over eyes. It made me want to cuddle up with her and go back to sleep, and not just because I was so tired, but because she looked so cuddle-able.
My cell phone beeped again.

“My mom’s been texting me like crazy.” I said, looking at my phone. “She’s been worried about Xena.”

“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t have your number to call you. I let her out to pee and we fed her some …. Caleb? Are you okay?” Jane was talking to me but I was unable to speak. I was looking at my texts, most of which were from my mom, but one of them…. was from Amy….