I took some photos with my phone of the frost we had today. And I finally got a few groceries! Just cheese, bread and eggs, some chips for school and apples and pasta (which makes a great meal if you melt cheese on top!)
So I did it… I went to confession today. There weren’t many people in the church when I got there, but it still took a REALLY long time for it to be my turn, because I decided I would wait to go last. The longer I waited the more nervous I got. It felt like I was waiting to go up in front of my class to do a presentation… about my sins!
I haven’t killed anybody but there are other sins which are considered ‘mortal’ sins, a certain bad habit for instance that involves too colourful of language to mention here. Let’s just say it’s something that I wasn’t looking forward to confessing. But the thing that was bothering me the most was that I didn’t feel guilty about it, just embarrassed. Is it a sin to NOT feel guilty about your sin? Probably.
So finally when it was my turn I was a nervous wreck. I have gone to confession before, when I was like 11, but back then my biggest sin was telling lies about stupid stuff I made up. So I already knew what to say when I got in “bless me Father for I have sinned, my last confession was… over 3 years ago.” The entire time I was confessing I was worried the priest would notice somehow that I didn’t feel guilty enough.
But the priest was really practical, he didn’t even talk about religious stuff. He asked me if I remembered how this whole bad habit thing started and what I thought was at the root of it. He said maybe all I need is a simple hug sometimes and some affection from family and friends. He told me to ask my friends for a hug and I’d be surprised how that can fulfill my need for affection. I also confessed that I haven’t gone to church in years. I was expecting the priest to look disappointed or concerned, but instead he said something like, it is “a cause for celebration” that I came now, even if I hadn’t come for so long. I didn’t confess about my mom not being around, that’s not my sin but hers. And I didn’t bother confessing that I’m selfish, that just goes without saying.
I felt much better afterwards, the way I would feel if someone had actually given me a hug 🙂
Now, in my room, all these things come to mind that I do feel bad about, like how I never really listened to my mom and how she always worked so hard to make money for us. She tried really hard to make this house cleaning business work and I never helped her out with it. She asked me to come with her to some of the houses just to vacuum or dust once in a while but I always had some excuse, like I had too much homework.
No wonder she left me here, I’m not really good for anything. I never help out around the house or help bring in money by working at a place like McDonald’s. I’m a burden. I don’t even think she wanted me in the first place. I wish no one had to take care of me. I don’t want anyone to take care of me. I will find a way to take care of myself.