A Lonely Wind Blows Tonight

It’s been months since my last post. No point in rehashing months, so I’ll start with the today and now.

There’s no reason why today should feel more lonely than any other day, why the warm Chinook wind blowing down the street outside my window should make me feel more hollow than I’ve ever felt in my life. It seems impossible that not too long ago I enjoyed being home alone. Whenever my mom came home she’d always find something she needed me to be doing, but when she was gone I could play video games, or just relax and enjoy the sound of the wind.

But right now the sound of the wind is only making me feel empty inside. It’s Jane’s fault, her and her stupid large family, with aunts and uncles and grandparents and an army of kids. Even Xena’s little rat-dog presence at my feet doesn’t put a dent in my loneliness. I can’t stand it anymore.

“Xena.” I call, grabbing the leash hanging on the coat hook. Xena’s ears perk up but she doesn’t move from her position on the floor. Lazy dog.

“Xena!” I call again, gathering up my cell phone and earphones. Xena sets her tiny head down between her front paws. I walked her today already, but aren’t dogs supposed to LOVE going for walks? I grab my coat and shove my feet into my runners.

“Stay here then.” I mumble, opening the front door. Xena trots over and sits down beside me, staring up at me with her big ugly Chiuaua eyes. Apparently the threat of being left home alone is a greater evil for her than taking another walk. To her credit Xena has some kind of hip problem that acts up when the weather is bad, when it rains or snows or the wind blows, or there’s a full moon, I don’t know, I’m not old enough to understand hip problems. I attach Xena’s leash to her collar but pick her up in my arms anyway, adjusting her under one arm like a spoiled diva in a high school teen movie for rich L.A. girls. I press play on my phone and slip it into my pocket. Tonight Xena is walking me.

I step out into the wind and Xena shivers. It isn’t cold, Xena is just a drama queen. My mind keeps going back to the night Jane’s family was having that big family reunion and we played “Village” and all the kids thought I was the greatest thing that ever happened to them. They’re all gone now, not dead gone, like in a tragic house fire or something, but just gone home to their busy, lively homes with shouting and laughing and whatever happens in homes that aren’t lonely.

I look into the windows of the houses on my street. It’s still too early for anyone to be asleep for the night, yet most of the lights are off. I imagine they’re not home because they’re off with friends to see a movie, attend a girly sleep over or a fun video game night. What do guys do on a ‘guy’s night out’ anyway?

I shuffle through the songs on my phone but none of them seem appropriate for my lonely mood so I just stop the music and pull out my earphones letting the wind sing the perfect song of melancholy.

I hadn’t planned to go to Jane’s house and probably wouldn’t have even noticed I was passing by if Hasselhoff Huskey hadn’t barked, scaring Xena stiff in my arms.

I look up at Jane’s house which is dark like the rest of the street, except for a light farther in, like someone has left a bathroom light on. I stop, to Xena’s dismay, and stand in front of Jane’s house, letting Hasselhoff Huskey’s deep barks cut through the sad sounds of the wind in the trees.

Suddenly the front door swings open, startling an swear out of my mouth, which fortunately gets snatched away on the rush of an oncoming wind.

Jane looks different tonight. Her hair messy and eyes watery. No one else comes to the door as I would expect, her dad coming to yell at me for just standing there and provoking the dog, her mom inviting me in for cookies with her thick accent, or Jane’s little sister exclaiming, “You came to play Barbies!” They don’t come, it’s just Jane, standing in bare feet on the front step, in jeans and a goodie.

She doesn’t ask me why I’m just standing here or why I came, she just breathes. I recognize that breathing, it’s the kind you do after a good cry. Hasselhoff Husky has stopped barking and Xena has stopped shaking. The wind has taken a moment’s pause and all that is left is Jane’s breathing and my desperation for human contact.

“Can I come in?” I ask. Jane doesn’t say anything but simply steps aside. I climb up the stairs, Xena in hand, my heart pounding wildly. If she realizes how badly I need her right now I’ll lose her forever. She’ll stop talking to me, shut her blinds and unleash HasselHoff to bite Xena when we walk by. That’s how it always is with the opposite sex. You can’t let them know how much you need them, it only scares them away.

I stand awkwardly at the door a moment, then go inside and set Xena down. She starts shaking again, her legs getting knock kneed as she takes in the unfamiliar surroundings and smells. She looks up at me with pleading eyes.

“Go on.” I say, shoving her in further with my foot so Jane and I can have room to go in. I hear the door close behind me and turn to face Jane. Suddenly her arms are around me and she is crying. I’m too stunned to move. I should hug her back, but I’m frozen in place.

Jane lets go.

“Sorry,” she says, looking as uncomfortable as I usually feel in these types of circumstances. But for once I’m not the one feeling out of place and awkward. I smile to reassure her, then pull her back into a hug.

New Years Resolutions: this is just the beginning!

The best part of my New Year’s Resolutions is that I’ve resolved to make as many resolutions as possible! ūüėÄ

10:37 AM

I have a little devotional book that I’m going to try and do everyday. It started today and the title was “Write it down”

“Having a vision for every area of your life is vital if you want to be disciplined and effective.”

Wow! I guess this means LOTS of New Year’s Resolutions (every area of your life). Areas of my life: Health, Career, Friends, Financial, Family, Spiritual.

Start with Health. I’d say there are at least three areas of health: Physical, Mental and Emotional.

Physical:

-I will stop eating so much Nutella
-I will attend a yoga class once a week
-I will walk the dog whenever it’s warm enough outside
-I will do dancing video games at least twice a week

Mental:

-I will NOT write (work on scripts / novels) to the point of high stress
-I will de-clutter my house
-I will not spend so much time on facebook and too much time on wordpress
-I will not over-work myself (including housework) or over-schedule my time or push too hard to meet unrealistic goals
-I will meditate each night before bed and say “I love you” to myself each morning

Emotional:

-Quit doing things that make me feel guilty or just stop feeling guilty altogether
-Quit basing my self worth on acceptance from the male species (friends or otherwise)
-Quit obsessing over people I’m obsessed with (including actors and famous people)

Career:

-Finish editing Novel 2
-Rewrite Novel 1 into first person present tense from 3rd person past tense
-Edit sci-fi screenplay according to Scriptwriting Professor’s many notes
-Finish typing up drama screenplay
-Finish writing Nanowrimo novel
-Choose which writing to use for slush pile at writer’s convention this summer
-Figure out what events are happening and how to sign up for them, etc. at writer’s conference.
-Send second inquiry to University about a part-time job position
-Continue going to writers group weekly

Friends:

-Continue going to writers group weekly
-Quit obsessing over MSA Friend (Most Sought After Friend)
-Look up websites about how to maintain friendships and proper friend socialization
-Don’t message any one friend too much or at weird times of the day or night

Family:

-Continue doing majority of all chores and errand running around and food preparation and shopping and school activity stuff
-Continue having a date night once a week
-Pick up child from school (instead of getting mom to do it) and let her have play dates after school.
-Go on summer vacation
-Visit grandma sometime this year
-Visit Husband’s grandparents who live far away
-play Barbies more often

Spirituality:

-Continue going to church once a week
-Go to confession so I can start participating again in Mass
-Remember to pray at night
-Do “devotional” book I got for free in the mail every day
-Be nice to Jehovah’s Witnesses but don’t convert
-Meditate, stop and listen for God
-Believe I’m not a lost cause and God still wants me

Financial:

-Win the CBC Short Story Competition I entered
-work part time
-save for screenwriting conference in LA
-don’t forget to give tithe
-continue to go to Hair School for hair dying instead of expensive hair stylist

New Year’s Eve and Post Christmas Clutter Blues

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11:23 AM

Still in PJ’s and feeling like a slob. So hard to do anything during the holidays when child has no school. But to be fair I could have worked on my novel or something during the time I spent on the computer this morning blogging then photoshopping myself into (and partially behind in the most believable manner) a photo alongside my favourite actor / comedian Mark Little.

Anyway must go do laundry.

11:29 AM

The clutter of Christmas is depressing, especially with no one around to help. It seems to emphasize the clutter in my brain and my scattered, unorganized hopes and dreams, unfocussed goals, unscheduled daily living. Have decided it best not to officially start the New Year until Daughter is back at school. If I try to start on my goals now I will be unsuccessful and it will depress me further.

11:40 PM

Didn’t go party for New Year’s. Didn’t even get away from the Family Festival long enough to do anything else but work the entire evening there and come home with a big headache. There was a mass of people, lots of stress, huge line-ups, unhappy mothers. Stayed for the whole event then helped pack up after. Daughter was left neglected on a chair the whole four hours, then was brought home and had some sort of panic attack, she couldn’t breathe. She’s still awake actually and says that if she lays down she can’t breathe. Husband is with her now. He said thanks for the help today.

He has no idea how important New Year’s is to me. Last year I swore that no matter WHAT I would go out and enjoy myself this year, have a fun filled evening. But I didn’t and it doesn’t matter if I go out tomorrow or any other day. It’s tonight that is important to me, tonight that is special and magical. It’s so depressing. Husband’s business always, always wrecks special occassions, like Canada Day. He’s always busy, always busy, always busy on the days that are important to me.

12:05

Happy New Year’s everyone.
I’m off to bed

8:45 AM

Still have no cereal so resorted to eating fat laden waffles covered in peanut butter and syrup.

Tomorrow I will do everything perfect (like eat low-fat cereal and work on my writing) because the first day of the New Year is a reflection of your upcoming year, right? You’re supposed to have money in your pocket and dress up and start on your novel, etc. Hopefully today isn’t the day that reflects your upcoming year…

Just want to return to my dream that I got woken up too early from. I think that after the rush of Christmas I shut down. Everything feels difficult, even simple things like putting in the laundry, as though all the extra work on top of regular work of the Christmas Season has burnt me out and it’s a push to just get out of¬†pajamas in the morning.¬†Wonder if anyone else feels this way. Not those who have a job (outside the home) I assume.

Must carry on.

If only I had something to look forward to this evening,¬†that would help.¬†Daughter still sleeping. Blogging has become an instant obsession despite attempts to keep it in moderation. This is a good time to add more New Year’s Resolutions to the list:

-Not be obsessed with blogging

-Find a part time job

-schedule my time to be more productive in my writing (non-blog writing)

7:38 AM

New Year’s Eve Day dawns (actually it’s still dark out)

Thinking of throwing in the towel with this blogging thing. It’s totally fun but quite possibly a total waste of time, especially the sharing of inner thoughts honestly and openly. That is where I differ from the rest of the people I know, who are mysteries,¬†and¬†so I assume my openness is my weakness that keeps me from being a Most Sought After Friend to anyone.

New Year’s Resolutions:

-Not be open and honest

-Not feel the need to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth ALL THE TIME

-Become like Sarah from the TV show Chuck

-Talk less

-Fulfill my writing goals

-Become a New York Times Bestselling Author

-Let go of MSA Friend

-Find out what is missing in my life

-Save money for LA Screenwriting conference

And I’m sure there will be more resolutions¬†as the day unfolds. I’m going to add one more:

-Make the most New Year’s Resolutions I’ve ever made for one year.

¬†Cat in front of Computer monitor so can’t type anymore.

I’m back.¬†Blasted cat¬†stepped on sleep button and shut down my comp. Dreams of the night still fresh in my mind, throwing off sense of reality, will forget them and go into Stroller¬†Syndrome mode soon enough. Husband is¬†getting ready to leave. Wonder if Daughter will want to do¬†something other than¬†the Family Festival today, something posh and involving¬†bubbling champaine (like the non-alcoholic kind). Probably not. Probably end up at Family Fest, pushing¬†proverbial stroller.¬†

one more NY resolution:

-don’t edit blog posts, just hit publish

11:55 PM

Feeling down. Can’t sleep. Was so tired earlier that every mouse click by Daughter playing on computer was waking me up while I was laying¬†on the¬†couch (which means I was falling asleep repeatedly¬†every half a second). Now I’m awake and noticing all the posts about New Year’s Resolutions and “looking back” on the highlights of 2013, etc.

For me, same thing happens EVERY New Year’s Eve.

I want desperately to go out and do something posh, while dressed brilliant and ringing in the New Year looking my best, with people I WANT to hang out with (or even people I don’t know as long as they look posh too and notice me)

Actuality: End up walking around Family Festival, tired and alone in a building full of people. Come home exhausted, put child to bed, fall asleep before midnight, OR stay up late¬†trying to find a live¬†online stream¬†of New Year’s countdown until after midnight and miss the whole thing. Husband wanders home sometime after midnight as he is always doing something work related on New Year’s Eve.

Every year I want it to be different and every year it’s the same. It’s the ‘stroller’ syndrome. This feeling that I’m endlessly pushing around a stroller (although my daughter no longer needs a stroller, it’s still the same feeling). I have more friends this year since I joined a writers group, but none of them will spend New Year’s Eve with me.

Did my best not to message MSA Friend (Most Sought After Friend) since the ball is in his court to reply. Stroller Syndrome feeling¬†was so heavy on me I broke down and sent¬†a dot (.)¬†Not sure how ‘dot’ will be percieved. Possibly as a pocket dial.

I guess I will explain MSA Friend until I get tired enough to go back to sleep. Every two or three years I find a person that I absolutely must be friends with or I will die. I message far too much even when I try my best to hold back… and well I deleted the rest of this post which was far too long and emo, but I’m tired now so accomplished that much,

off to bed

(goodnight MSA Friend…)

Mondays Confessions of a Stay-At-Home-Mom

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11:10 AM

Had to start a new journal as other one has dropped off the face of the Earth, already.

Spent all morning posting yesterday’s journal entries to blog, then looking through facebook updates. Must make lunch and plan a playdate for child so I can go to hair appointment.

11:40 AM

My life consists entirely of cleaning, laundry, dishes and preparing food.

Saw facebook update of favourite Most Sought After friend (let’s call him MSA Friend), he is going somehwere fun for New Year’s Eve… someplace I’ve never heard of but must be fun if he is going).

Phone ringing….

Playdate called back! All set. Can visit hairdresser (more accurately student of Hair School) in peace. Must not let student style my hair seeing as tomorrow is New Year’s Eve and, although I have no party plans, the hopeless Romantic in me still imagines a small chance that I will be whisked away (by MSA Friend) on some fun New Year’s Eve Pary Adventure at the last minute, while child is left in the capable hands of someone I trust and who does not want to do anything on New Year’s Eve, someone who can put child to bed properly, all the while Husband will be making lots of money at the Family Festival with no help needed from me, as I will be absent anyway due to whisking away incident.

Yes. Right. And so you see the need to have my hair done properly tomorrow (I can’t wash it for 48 hours after dying it today).

Right, where was I? Yes, my life consists entirely of cleaning, laundry, dishes and preparing meals… and I suppose I can add ‘unrealistic daydreaming’ and ‘incessant diary logging’ to the list now.

11:50 AM

Haven’t finished dishes, haven’t fed child or myself, still in PJ’s and must visit bank and have child dropped off at playdate appartment building by 12:30PM!

12:06 PM

“I am the greatest mom that ever lived. I was born to give and give and give.”

Just finished making lunch. Now must get my ‘winged’ child to eat it. Running late.

12:23 PM

Child won’t eat!

Finished off my spaghetti and cheese, currently dipping chocolate covered granola bar into large jar of peanut butter while child is crying for some unfathomable reason (probably because doesn’t want to eat) all the while the hair appointment is fast approaching. I am not the greatest mom that ever lived.

1:58 PM

At hair appointment. Was 10 minutes late. Got a call on cell while driving and answered phone stating angrily “I’m driving!” and “I’m trying to get there as fast as I can!” HairSchool secretary was thrown off by my complete direguard of acceptable customer social etiquette. Currently sitting in chair waiting for black hair dye to eat through my scalp.

Have had no contact with MSA Friend in days… let’s see, since Dec. 26 11:04 AM according to my phone. It must be inaccurate because it seems like at least a week. Scalp burning. When someone doesn’t reply to your facebook message should you just keep waiting? for how long? should you write again after a few days?

5:00 PM

Call from Husband. He won’t be home after work. Something about saving the children, or the safety of children being top priority. Whatever it is he won’t be home. Time to make supper, put child to watch television then update my blog so I’m not behind and the blogging workload doesn’t become overwhelming like housework load on a Monday (after a no-cleaning Sunday).